Archived Edition of Chromatic Musings

The Diary of a Porn Clerk

A few years ago, I worked part time, managing a video store. It was a mom-and-pop shop out in a DC suburb. This was in 1997, 1998, before DVDs were around all that much. For any movie rental place that isn't Blockbuster (or some kind of equivalent), the only way they could stay in business was to rent porn.

Here's the economics of the situation: most VHS tapes from major studios run $80 a pop (or more). [VHS tapes aren't as expensive anymore; between DVDs and sell through, the price has plummeted]. Renting a copy of Diehard at $5 a time has to go out 16 times to break even. And that's just for one tape.

Now, here's the skinny for porn. A copy (and you only need to buy one) will run you $35, $40 at the absolute most. The tape rolls out for $7 or so a time. Doing the math, if it goes out 5 times, you've broken even.

So, there's a math advantage to renting porn. On top of the quick math plus, Blockbuster refuses to carry adult titles, so they've basically ceded the entire field to anyone who wants to take it. And that's why you almost always find a section of small video stores dedicated to adult cinema.

In any case, I had more than a few experiences with patrons of porn. And, I'm not the only one. Needless to say, the link is NSFW -- no images, but the title and the text would probably get you in trouble.

Several of our straight porn boxes have a cheerful little blue circle on the front. It's designed to look like a sticker and it says "Gaping Asshole Inside!" in the same sort of cheerful font one might use for "Now with more fiber!" or "New fresh scent!"

It is clearly meant to be a feature, a sort of guarantee of quality: whatever else may or may not happen in this film, you are guaranteed at least one gaping asshole. Frequently there is also a gaping asshole holding the box, but that issue is not addressed.

Some of my experiences (what the heck, I might as well):

• The Surgeon -- I don't know if he was actually a surgeon or not, but that's what I called him (because he was always dressed in surgical scrubs). I used to open the store on Sunday mornings. He would be waiting on me, 10am on the dot. He'd come in, make a beeline straight for the porn, get six videos (the maximum you could rent at one time) and be on his merry way.
• Oh Please, Not That -- Reaching into the return bin only to find some of the video cases, um, sticky. I don't know what it was on the cases, and I don't ever want to know.
• The Bachelorette Party -- A very nice young lady came in, asking me for help. She asked me to follow her back into the cage (all the porn movies were kept in a cage). When we got there, she leaned over and whispered "can you help me find a movie for a bachelorette party?". She was so embarassed. I whispered back to her "find one with a pretty picture, the story's pretty much all the same."
• The Speech Impediment -- One evening, towards closing time, this older gentleman walked up to the counter. He very quitely asked me, "Do you ha ann-- fuh fims?"
  
  I couldn't understand him, so I said, "I'm sorry, would you remind repeating that?"
  
  "Do you ha an-- fuh fims?"
  
  "I'm really sorry, but one more time?"
  
  "Do you ha ann- fuh fims?"
  
  ::Deep Breath:: "Okay, I am having trouble understanding what you're asking for. Can you please tell me one more time."
  
  ::exasperated look:: ::sigh:: "Do You Hav Ane Fuhk Fhilms!"
  
  "Oh, sure. Right through that cage."

Posted by Casper at October 28, 2004 01:18 AM