I'm reading this at work, trying not to laugh out loud and ticking off all my neighbors in the cube farm.
Another example is a bit more crude...
Some of these are funny; all are just wrong.
Some instructions on how to clean your toliet.
A little ditty called Everyone Else Has More Sex Than Me.
A few years ago, I worked part time, managing a video store. It was a mom-and-pop shop out in a DC suburb. This was in 1997, 1998, before DVDs were around all that much. For any movie rental place that isn't Blockbuster (or some kind of equivalent), the only way they could stay in business was to rent porn.
Here's the economics of the situation: most VHS tapes from major studios run $80 a pop (or more). [VHS tapes aren't as expensive anymore; between DVDs and sell through, the price has plummeted]. Renting a copy of Diehard at $5 a time has to go out 16 times to break even. And that's just for one tape.
Now, here's the skinny for porn. A copy (and you only need to buy one) will run you $35, $40 at the absolute most. The tape rolls out for $7 or so a time. Doing the math, if it goes out 5 times, you've broken even.
So, there's a math advantage to renting porn. On top of the quick math plus, Blockbuster refuses to carry adult titles, so they've basically ceded the entire field to anyone who wants to take it. And that's why you almost always find a section of small video stores dedicated to adult cinema.
In any case, I had more than a few experiences with patrons of porn. And, I'm not the only one. Needless to say, the link is NSFW -- no images, but the title and the text would probably get you in trouble.
Several of our straight porn boxes have a cheerful little blue circle on the front. It's designed to look like a sticker and it says "Gaping Asshole Inside!" in the same sort of cheerful font one might use for "Now with more fiber!" or "New fresh scent!"
It is clearly meant to be a feature, a sort of guarantee of quality: whatever else may or may not happen in this film, you are guaranteed at least one gaping asshole. Frequently there is also a gaping asshole holding the box, but that issue is not addressed.
Some of my experiences (what the heck, I might as well):
You know those annoying spam letters you get in the mail from time to time -- "You -- JOE SMITH -- can make $87,345 with our guarenteed process..." Well, Patrick Combs got a check for $95,093.35. He then deposited it with his bank as a lark. It cleared. What happens then has to be read to be believed.
Saturday and Sunday passed without incident.
Monday, I expected to hear from my bank but didn't.
Tuesday, I didn't think once about the deposit.
Then, on Wednesday while running errands, I withdrew $40 from my automated bank machine. Out spit the two twenties and the little orange and sand-colored receipt. I stared at it. It looked like Ed McMahon had sent it. My bank balance was almost a hundred thousand dollars.
The bank had accepted the phony $95,093.35 deposit!
Thanks to Metafilter for the tip.
Rodney Dangerfield, dead at 82 from infections and complications.
Thanks to Lindsey for the tip.
IKEA. The land of out-it-together-yourself furniture. Home of the richest man in the known universe (even more money than Bill Gates). You know, that place that gives you everything that you would need to build your furniture, even if there are five or ten extra parts left over.
An amusing look at his experience with IKEA.
Not Safe For Work, but still funny as all get out. I've always wanted those diamond commercials to be a little more honest.
From Rev. Bob:
A Greek bandleader wasn't happy when his regular drummer sent a a young jazz player as a substitute on a traditional dance job. After the first set, he took the youngster aside. "Look, kid," he said, "forget about all that Elvin Jones stuff. Just give me a simple afterbeat on two and five."
The used-to-be drummer in me laughs at this. The present day writer/arranger in me says "Oh, yeah. And a hit-hat accent on 3-e would be nice, too".
Tonight, I was invited to Synergy, which I have been told is the first all Christian comedy club in the US (I'm doubting that, but we'll let it go for now). I would not have normally gone, but the sheer novelty of it caught my attention. The Washington Post did a write-up on the club not too long ago.
The venue was very, very rough (I'd suspect that the particularly primary color blue paint was still drying on the walls) -- basically a empty slot in a strip mall with hard back chairs for the audience (if you go, be forewarned. Not all that comfortable). There's no cover, but they do take up a donation in the middle of the show.
The opening comic/host was actually decent. Sean Sarvis had a decent run as a secular comic for a while (before he got his religion), so he had some decent material and good instincts. The middle performer (who I think was named Platinum) was a complete waste. She used hackneyed material with not much in the way of delivery. The closer (Marcus Wiley) had an unusual style (as well as some odder topics), but he was effective.
There was nothing at this show that I would have been even slightly bothered to watch with my mother. "No offending" should probably be the slogan of the club. Aside from the Christian culture in which a good number of jokes were steeped, the material would not have been out of place in a Bob Hope special, or at a Disney theme park. Brett Leake would have fit in perfectly at this place. I rather doubt I'll ever go back, but it was an interesting experience for at least one go 'round.
You know those emails that you get, claiming to be able to increase penis size (which doesn't work... or so I'm told) or getting rich quick? Here are some cartoons based on the headlines.
Flip is a comic hypnotist -- he gets a large group of people (like twenty or so) on stage at once, hypnotizes as many of them as possible and then takes them through a number of humorous things. But that really doesn't do his show justice. He does do some straight ahead stand-up, but I think it's more as a warm-up to the hypnosis.
One of the things I really like about his shows is that they are never the same twice. He can do the exact same bit, but it's never the same -- even with the exact same people on stage, they will respond differently. It's one of the main reasons why I can enjoy his show time and time again.
Tonight, he had one of his smaller shows. Only about five people stayed under for the duration of the show, but they were rather good and interesting.
Flip will be in town at the Improv for the rest of the week. After that, it's Destin FL, Baltimore MD and Addison TX for a few trips.
I've got mine. Do you? You know you want your own trunk monkey.
Thanks to Eugene for the tip.
Brought to you by the good folk at Black Table. From Bill Cosby to Beavis and Butthead to Reservoir Dogs, it's a good laugh. Or, at least, a chuckle.
Dave Chappelle may be portraying Rick James in an upcoming biopic.
As performed by Cartman from South Park.
...[T]he world's filthiest joke. The joke, known as the "Aristocrats" is one of the longest running in-jokes in the standup comedy industry, being passed amoungst comedians backstage for years. The joke, which is not really funny (which is part of the joke - you see), is about a family auditioning for a talent show using the most obscene behaviour possible.
Thanks to TMFTML for the tip.
Jon Stewart is one funny guy. I know you've seen this quote before, but it's still great.
You fix this thing, you’re the next greatest generation, people. You do this—and I believe you can—you win this war on terror, and Tom Brokaw’s kissing your ass from here to Tikrit, let me tell ya. And even if you don’t, you’re not gonna have much trouble surpassing my generation. If you end up getting your picture taken next to a naked guy pile of enemy prisoners and don’t give the thumbs up you’ve outdid us.
We declared war on terror. We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I’m sure we’ll take on that bastard ennui.
And, just to add that extra special CM goodness, one more:
I am honored to be here, I do have a confession to make before we get going that I should explain very quickly. When I am not on television, this is actually how I dress. I apologize, but there’s something very freeing about it. I congratulate the students for being able to walk even a half a mile in this non-breathable fabric in the Williamsburg heat. I am sure the environment that now exists under your robes, are the same conditions that primordial life began on this earth. ...
I am honored to be here and to receive this honorary doctorate. When I think back to the people that have been in this position before me from Benjamin Franklin to Queen Noor of Jordan, I can’t help but wonder what has happened to this place. Seriously, it saddens me. As a person, I am honored to get it; as an alumnus, I have to say I believe we can do better. And I believe we should. But it has always been a dream of mine to receive a doctorate and to know that today, without putting in any effort, I will. It’s incredibly gratifying. Thank you. That’s very nice of you, I appreciate it.
A gentleman in Canada has legally changed his name.
-- Update --
Sue me for not reading closely enough. To make matters worse, it's a lady who changed her name. My apologies.
From Neil Gaiman:
QUANTUM TV RIVALS PLASMA DISPLAYS said the headline in the New Scientist that I blinked at over my early morning cup of tea this morning. "Great," I thought sleepily. "A television you can either watch, or know where it is, but not both at once."
I had dropped in at 12:15, thinking I would catch the last few minutes of Flip's act and then we could talk for a bit. It didn't quite work out that way. In fact, he was something like halfway through his performance. The group that he had on stage was one of the stranger ones I have ever managed to see. I'm pretty convinced that one or two of them were faking it as well. In any case, the show didn't let out until just shy of 1 am.
By the time that we got a chance to talk at all, it was about 2am or so. Flip's doing well, although Dana will not be making it in to DC on this trip (too bad, I do enjoy talking with her). He's going to be in town for another week; drop by and catch his show, if you get the chance.
Lewis Black, commentator on the Daily Show, is heading out on tour. If you like political humor, I'd highly recommend him. He's acerbic, with a razor sharp wit. I caught him a few years ago at the Improv, but it seems he has grown his following in to bigger venues.
Here's a website with a few clips to whet your appetite.
Whitney Houston loses six years for being a Black female, gains five for being married, but loses four for being married to Bobby Brown. She's expected to die in 2022.
Clay Aiken is expected to live to be 82 because he lives so squeaky clean. Courtney Love earns five years for having new breasts, which increases her self-esteem, but loses eight for enjoying "the occasional truckload of cigarettes." She's projected to live to be 62.
Dr. Demko figures Ozzy Osbourne will live another nine years, but he's determined Keith Richards should have died in 1995.
You'll forgive me if I don't place wagers based on this info....
Some friends and I went to catch Flip Orley's show tonight at the DC Improv. It was a good show. He only had four people under this time. I would have thought that would have bode ill for the show, but he made it work. Got to give credit for that.
One of the things that I rather like about Flip's show is that they are never the same twice, since he never has the same people hypnotized twice. Even if he does the exact same bit, they will respond in a different fashion each time. No repetition, so it never grows stale. I’ve seen a number of other comic, and it’s somewhat disappointing when they recycle the same material. Don’t get me wrong, I understand why they might do that – it’s hard coming up with new stuff all the time (I can sympathize with writer’s block).
Flip and I got to know each other something like five years ago. For a while, he would end his shows by saying “I have a website, and it sucks.” So I approached him after a show one night about helping him with his site (which, ironically, is amusing, considering that my day job is more about working with back end computer systems rather than the front end stuff like HTML). To be honest, I don’t know just how much I was or was not able to help him with his site, but we both got to know each other over the years.
Flip’s a great guy, too. Sure, he’s funny (goes with the territory of being a comic, I suppose), but he’s a genuine kind of guy. Very straightforward, not a hint of duplicity.
Anyway, I usually make it a point to catch at least one of his shows every time he comes into town. It’s always good for a laugh, and when is having a laugh ever a bad idea?
As a side note, I gave Flip the Live at the Quick DVD. He had never heard of Bela Fleck before. One of the things that I truly love to do is introduce people to new music (and have new music introduced to me). There are mountains of music out in the world, and most of it is dreck. So when someone that I respect tells me about some music they really like, I usually make it a point to check it out.